When a woman leaves an abusive man, many believe all of her problems are over. In the aftermath, however, new troubles replace old ones and these often appear less manageable than living with an abuser, and cause some women to return.
Facing new and unfamiliar territory, the woman who flees must expect the real-life extreme dangers of retaliation from her abuser. If they have children, visitation rights of the abuser may mean the children could be alone with him without a buffer. These dangers seem more threatening than if she stayed under the same roof, where she could often anticipate trouble and physically safeguard her children. After leaving, she is temporarily more vulnerable to attack and her children may be more exposed to harm; it’s no wonder why some women resign their decision to leave under such strain, but the decision to return runs deeper than this and warrants further understanding and a new approach.
For an abused woman, new routines can seem harder to take than being hit or controlled. In the beginning, every minute is consumed with struggle, worry, and feeling lonely or hopeless, whereas before, struggle and abuse may have felt manageable, or come only on occasion. Add new financial constraints, moving, housing issues, problems getting divorced, and/or unsupportive family and friends and it’s enough to cause most women to return to their abuser without much thought, and most do just that, returning at least seven times before they finally leave for good.
The immediate post-crisis time is a critical time for brutal self-awareness. It is the time for the ultimate battle, the one she must have with herself to change her thinking. If she thought leaving was hard, she hasn’t experienced anything yet. Self-sabotaging, negative thinking is a common, residual side-effect of an abusive relationship, and “what-if” thinking will work overtime, her own thoughts fooling her, undermining her as she tries to start over. She must develop an awareness of her thinking in order to combat the urges to doubt herself and her decision to leave.
Much of the urgent attentiveness offered post-crisis is based on the physicality of abuse, but that is only a symptom of bigger things that are frequently left unaddressed. More women would stay away the first time they are abused if they had better awareness of their thinking. Thinking awareness can free abused women in a way that nothing else can, and will allow them to become more self sufficient and confident more quickly; it must be included in outreach and assistance efforts.
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