When we date, we don't focus on subtle destructiveness, we look for the big clues that someone is not safe or not right for us. This lack of attention on the little things causes great difficulties for many women who are looking for a relationship and trying to determine who is worth their time, and who should be rejected. The toxic guys are the best ones at flirting and charming women and they pursue with a unique intensity that gets a woman's attention, and plays on our fantasy about how men are "supposed" to win us over. If you aren't aware of how destructive guys operate or what they look for in women before they pursue, charm (and harm), then you can get caught up in a toxic mess very quickly.
When there is a history of toxic, nasty, cold-hearted men showing up in your love life, it could be that you are an easy target for destructive men. Learning what they do and how they do it, as well as what they look for in the women they pursue can help you spot and deflect these guys before you get charmed into toxicity, or sucked back into harms way. Being able to recognize destructive tactics fast, and knowing how to respond in a self-protective way should be basic dating safety training, but unfortunately, even common conversation about subtle destructiveness goes ignored or is excused away and not seen for what it really is ~ potential danger for women.
Some women notice something is off as soon as a first date, yet still agree to see the guy again. Boundaries get crossed almost immediately, but in subtle ways, and then if there is no follow through, he increases his charm to entice you, and the chase is on. Many will end up in a relationship really fast, even after seeing some red flags because they weren't sure that the guy's behavior specifically qualifies as abusive or worrisome, and they figure they could just relationship-train him anyway, so the foundation of toxicity is there and being built on due to how behaviors are being interpreted or dismissed.
The problem is, we don't realize how destructive men Test women before they pursue them, and if you show these guys you will second-guess yourself easily, ignore your intuition, put them first, or excuse away minor oddities and boundary crossing, they will go for you in a heartbeat because you will look like easy prey. They look for and need a woman who responds in those ways in order to maintain a relationship and keep the control. Those things he was doing that seemed just a little off or a little over the line, was his way of Testing you, but if you don't know to look for this first sign, you will pass his Tests and signal him to pursue you, when what you should be doing is failing his Testing by responding in ways that turn him off. This alone will make you feel like no man is interested in dating you if you have a history of attracting bad men, because suddenly you are rejecting them and showing them you see them and won't tolerate a man who plays games. It takes time to get used to the idea of some down time from dating but rejecting anyone who reveals the Testing phase is a good idea if you really want to assess what kind of men you are attracting consistently. This usually takes practice, feedback, a couple of strategies to say "no" with confidence before it feels like the right thing to do, but it will reveal the trouble spot for you.
There is no need to suffering in silence or date men who mistreat you or Test you, but if you didn't know how to spot the destructive guys you can't expect to know how to not attract them. It can be embarrassing to admit that your luck with men is so bad, but give yourself a break, slow your dating way down and trust that if you feel you are attracting toxic guys, then you are, and that awareness is powerful. If you didn't know what to look for or how you got caught, you can't blame yourself or feel bad about being played. All you have to do now is just figure out how to turn these guys off. Forget about the extreme of not attracting them, toxic people will always be out there and they will always try to play their games, the best trick is for you to knowing how to spot them and how to be unaffected by them either positively or negatively. That puts you in the driver's seat, looking for someone to love, rather than wanting someone to love you.
Not knowing why your dating life is so hard or bad is frustrating, but you are not the first or only woman to have this kind of issue and the best news is, it can be addressed, faster than you may realize. Trying to figure out how to attract a different type of man than what you are naturally attracted to won't work for long, so you need to invest some time in learning about toxic attraction and why the bad guys are so appealing, and while you're doing that, take a break from dating and reset your radar. After a toxic man, the good guys will always seem too ordinary, boring, slow, and completely unappealing because the lack the natural intensity the toxic guys have, so you won't want to date the good guys, you probably won't even notice them. Some dating down time will allow you to step back, observe people, and hopefully, notice some new things on both sides of the equation.
After you read up on relational harm and toxic traps and start dating again, watch out for extremes; if it feels like too much effort, drop the guy. If it feels too fast, drop the guy. If it feels too easy and perfect, it could be good or it could be a toxic guy testing you and charming you ~ pay attention and watch for consistency. (You have to be a little more suspicious and cautious than you were previously if you have attracted destructive guys before.) On dates, notice what the guy does with your boundaries and requests. Plan in advance what you will do or say if he crosses a boundary until asserting boundaries and following through on them becomes more natural for you. Keep assessing his response (privately) and decide if it feels appropriate to you. If it doesn't, he's out. Trust your gut.