When the time is right, it is important for women to get vocal about domestic violence in their lives because ending abuse and the ending the stigma about abuse is in our hands.
Regardless of our backgrounds as career women or stay-at-home moms, the one thing we all experience from abuse and mistreatment, is embarrassment. The other is being misunderstood.
Over time, our shame corrupts us almost as much as the abuse itself, if we let it. We feel even worse once others learn about what we’ve tolerated in our personal lives—not because they know, but because they disbelieve or try to lessen the severity of our situations.
Often times, it is our friends and family that still reach out and emotionally support our abuser or encourage us to stick it out and make it work because the idea of him abusing us is incomprehensible. They see and experience only part of the man we know.
As we scramble to be heard, the shock we feel from the disbelief of family or friends, and their solace towards our abuser in spite of their knowledge, makes it impossible for us to feel supported and adds to the emotional “mind” field of leaving.
The details of domestic violence are always difficult to hear, and even harder to understand. As soon as the details are expressed, it seems to instantly beg the question “why do you stay?” rather than “why does he do that?” Many people choose not to believe what you tell them or they think it couldn’t be as bad as you make it sound because they see a man who never shows them even a hint of such behavior, and they see you returning to him. The “why do you stay" question is expected to satisfy someone else, and this is what makes the question problematic.
There is tremendous value in answering this loaded question; it could be the most telling and motivating question of all—if abused women are asking it of themselves. When asked by another person, the question prompts defensiveness and it implies that you are blaming the woman for being abused, even if you are not. It is disempowering, especially in the face of the result—which is, that no matter what answer you are given for why she stays, it’s never good enough. And maybe because of that, you don’t believe that it could be as bad as she says or she wouldn’t return to him. Siding with the abuser suddenly seems logical.
It is difficult to explain our thinking and logic, but if you were on the inside of the abuse you would get it. Without that insight, the conversation about why we stay or why we return won’t get you anywhere, as from the outside looking in, there is no logically sound reason for anyone to stay with an abuser. Abused women, on average, return to their abusers up to nine times before seriously trying to leave for good. How does anyone who has never been in an abusive relationship even begin to comprehend this? That is what the telling of our stories should resolve.
Abused women will gain their power from telling people what happened, whether they choose to believe us or not. There is even a great opportunity that arises from the disbelief of others and the dumbing down of his behavior, and we must learn to recognize what that opportunity is. Every time someone doesn’t believe, their disbelief is clear evidence that he didn’t just get you, he also got them; he tricks them too. He is conscious and sly in his efforts to hide who he truly is and they cannot see, nor are they privy to, his undercurrent in the way you are. Abusers are simply manipulators, controllers, and scammers; none excluded. How could we expect outsiders to understand so quickly what took us time to come to terms with ourselves?
Until people truly understand how abusive men operate, when they don’t believe you or they try to lessen his behavior, you can see that you are more aware than everyone around you, and it becomes obvious that he has suckered yet another person. This awareness gives you an advantage; you no longer need to explain yourself, they won’t get it anyway. You must validate yourself and your story by not caring about what others think, by not needing their agreement that he is wrong. By speaking out in spite of the stigma, you begin to rise above it all, and when you replace that need for validation with the action of leaving, you are on a new path.
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